Dream life

 It’s really hard to write something on this crumple paper of my diary today maybe because I will confess truth; I have this habit you see to analyse and then reach to some route cause. I always want to make senses of things put them in perspective and now I just can’t I have no plan no money no boyfriend no person whom I can call mine neither place of my own. My train is running in full force in dark night and lights of building and small houses made it look like pretty painting on canvass of sky. I love the way cool air is throwing itself on my face I feel very much insane or insanely sane, I want this journey to go on go on and take me somewhere far away from this people this city and all my things including my face book account maybe like Alice on some mission somewhere in wonderland. You know those movies where you are really frustrated with something and the hero/heroin scream and ask god and then something change, it make you different person or take somewhere else like in movie 13 to 30, 17 again or freaky Friday or for me this can also work ,simply one angel come from sky and will ask me 1 wish and I’ll tell her to make me Bella swan , this train will take me somewhere magical or somewhere people won’t be so self centred, and disgusting rude arrogant self obsessed, world around you won’t be fuss indulged in destroying each other or run on watch or phones or blackberry messenger more interested in others shattered life than their own, laugh on others and vice versa  here you keep wondering why??? And here people keep make things complicated build their own dreams on someone else’s grave.

 I want to be Bella swan who will find her Edward or Elizabeth from pride and prejudice or coca from one day at time who stay peacefully in north Carolina or cool juno but over all this I wish I could be myself in all this fake people and fake world and cherry over top Stephanie Meyer or Danielle steel don’t write screenplay of my life neither mark water direct it and neither kimaya Dawson give some background music to it. I wish our life will be like our movies at least everything turns right in the end I wish our life won’t be so complicated and over all those wish, I wish people in our life we trust we love won’t make it hard for you. You know which is the filthiest parts you relay on some persons in your life who will stand with you and when it’s time they stand against you. I think we all fight every moment then why we overlook the fact that just like we deserve to be happy others do too. 

 Well I don’t know if any storm will come and take me and then next day I will wake up  in beautiful meadow with bag full of chocolates some clothes and money and a dog beside me ( I hate dogs but I trust them more than people now) in front of house small house full of funny things and a simple job don’t know what will be that then one day I will take my dog on walk and I’ll wave to 1 old couple and will ask them how they doing and listen to kimaya Dawson’s song on clean empty peaceful happy streets and bump to some nice guy and we fall in love just like it happens in  Nicolas spark’s book and we will be funny simple and adventures couple we will go on skydiving and trekking together but here is my station why the hell there is no some hidden station between platform......it’s time to get down and yep even I can’t direct my life but still I wish I can.

walk in rain

It’s beautiful day, weather is awesome outside, and this are one of the best things about monsoon. Outside world feels like beautiful painting on canvas. I could stare all day from my window but I love to walk on empty lanes in such weather and maybe it sound weird I don’t like anyone’s company at all because then you have to talk it disturbs me and my thoughts. I really never figured it out why people find it so funny when I walk alone on unknown roads without apparently no good reason you know they stare a lot I could almost feel their stares on my back.

               I walked from house but didn’t had something specific on my mind I was just too empty I was feeling empty like that jar of beer which has been consumed hastily by some drunk man. I took my brand new umbrella well it wasn’t my style it was my friends idea but she like all this stuff long frilly umbrella and I though it will be okay but well it wasn’t. I feel like it’s too big to hold and you know I am not that person who will show off their umbrella by holding it gently and all I tried but  it stuck in my hand so I just decided to hold it like a stick i wasn’t sure about any destinations, so I walked nearby residential area which was almost empty all time, once upon time it was my area I used to hang around all time with phone on my ears. I was walking on that lane few people where there some were standing under shades of buildings specifically some cult of teenagers “when I am gone “by 3 doors down was playing in my ears loudly I prefer loud music while I walk so I don’t have to hear to anything else. I was trying really hard to concentrate on song and not on their chatter but as I walked for 3 to 4 times it made those kids concerned if I am psycho or broke. I can almost feel from their stares what they are thinking you see some people are really easy to read from their eyes and rest are predictable. I was holding my long umbrella but I didn’t opened it even though it was raining and I was wandering around people from bike also glared at me on such occasions normally I pretend like I am talking on phone or waiting for someone probably my boyfriend but I stop doing it now days its public street it my free will I can go anywhere I want. I am not that person who stays indoors and enjoy the rain I am the person who feel the touch of raindrops just like they are someone’s tears I am not the person who need someone’s company I feel really great when I am alone I am also not that person who really give a damn if they think I am psycho

 This roads are very familiar to me while I was walking I can see my 2 years old version talking on phone she was laughing, shouting, smiling and just like a teenage girl should be madly in love. I can read it over my face I can hear every word of that conversation she was having over phone I can rewind it all but I can’t find myself feeling anything it almost feel like she is some different girl not same me. I don’t feel same about anything since then. I never felt those emotions in me again when I was walking away from that street it’s like I almost met eyes with old me she just smiled at me it was clear nobody else was seeing all that and I thought for fraction second maybe those kids were right I am getting crazy.

               I like the smell of rain I don’t mind dirty muddy roads and lightning. Everything in rain smells awesome one guy was smoking across the lot and it smelt very good really smoky. there are different smells coming out from food corners and special smell about this evening was I can smell my lingering past on this roads some blurred memories under shadows of this trees it was like playing old movie and just like actor see themselves on screen I was looking at me world seems so better when you have someone in your heart it seems so colourful, life is beautiful when you have someone to hold on to but soon all this illusions wipe out and then you see a different phase different face of life the real one. Some kids were playing football in rain and I heard one kid whispering “do you think she is on high or something” I just couldn’t helped it I swear I shouted “hell yes but last time I checked what I smoked in that cigarette this time I don’t remember”.

certanity: certanity

certanity: certanity: "Certainty is the word we always look ahead of us at least that’s what we want to. And certainty itself shows the risk and the biggest fear l..."

certanity

Certainty is the word we always look ahead of us at least that’s what we want to. And certainty itself shows the risk and the biggest fear like tomorrow everything won’t be same as it now or we just fear what it will be? It will be certain?

I do have 100 RS now but tomorrow will i have that much money uncertainty, and it bring fear in your chest you run behind that to make it certain but in all this chaos we forgot that for now we have 100 RS and we can enjoy that much and the pleasure of that possession . Many time in life just because we become so busy in making plans for tomorrow we forget to enjoy our today, there is nothing wrong about planning no offence for all insurance companies who make all future plans for long term but wrong is we only think about long term and ruin time we should be living, as same in busy cities Mumbai everyone is so busy in climbing the ladder that they forget the adventure of climbing it they forget to love what they have.

If not then ask yourself a very simple question when did you last time talk to your daughter about her dreams, when you arrange date with your wife/ husband? When did you last time spend time on marine drive with cult of your friends? There are thousands of questions like this who found the answers definitely found a life who didn’t they should look for an answer because that is what life is all about it is all about living after 10 years of your marriage or job.

Many times one fall in love with someone but it goes something like this “what if he don’t feel the same way” there is uncertainty and fear but this two things walk hand in hand when you will go and tell him that you love him there will be two certain things he will say yes or he will say no either way you will enjoy it if he say yes he will be your boyfriend and potential husband. If he says no maybe you will cry over him for while and realise whatever happens is for good which will teach you acceptance, especially about yourself.

So best way is to face your fear and reduce the uncertainty. That is the only way to make things certain and enjoy but that doesn’t mean when i will jump from 6^th floor will i die or not some things are always certain and you shouldn’t test them. But there are some things, some feelings which you can explore which will lead you to yourself and ultimately towards loving your life. Once time pass you can’t buy it back so make the most of it.